What I've always wanted
by gdzbby
Summary: And, then I realized..it's really over. This isn't a dream. I wouldn't feel his warmth again, I won't be able to feel his arms snake around my waist. And, feeling the heat emit off of him..I realized that my love has just diminshed.
1. Chapter 1

I turned around and sprinted off into a run, I couldn't stop running, I was trying to escape..escape from this feeling. I didn't want to feel this anymore. All, I wanted was for him to come back. I started running faster. My legs began to burn and I felt a searing pain run up the back of my left leg. But, I kept running. My lungs were screaming out for air, and my breath became jagged. Exhaustion slowly took over my body, and I began to slow. I stopped in front of the corner store, and tears started rolling down my cheeks. I didn't wipe them. Why would it matter anyways? No one, to come save me from this feeling, no one, to come save me from this world, no one, to come save me from **him.**

The next morning I woke up with a sudden pain in my heart. I looked at the time 11:23am. I stared at the clock in awe. I turned my head away, and I felt as if needles were pinged into my heart. I felt nauseated. I felt like throwing up. I got out of bed swiftly and began to get dressed in proper attire for school. I was already 3 hours late, what's another 2. I walked up the front steps of Forge High School, took a deep breath and began my day as a Sophmore. I walked into my first period class, scanning across the classroom. My eyes stopped and locked on _him_. I turned away quickly, as he looked up and stared at me. As, I walked to the front of the class to my seat I can feel his glare piercing into my back. I cursed under my breath. I looked up and my teacher was staring at me, with narrowed eyes.

I stared him with emotionless eyes and whispered, "What?"

His words came slurred or, maybe I just wasn't listening but, I caught the last 3 words, "YOU CAME LATE!"

I looked back at him and nodded.

He started writing up a detention slip, I stared at with dissatisfaction got up, and walked out. I heard him say my name once, and I felt somebody try to grab my hand but, when I turned around the door already closed. I sighed, and began walking to the library. I walked inside, only to see _his_ bestfriend. He smiled at me, but his smile didn't meet his eyes.

" Mikan-chan, goodmorning."

"Hey, Ruka."

I walked past him quickly, my eyes never meeting his. I walked into the back of the library and sat down. My spot. Wait, _our_ spot. I began to doze off, and fell into a light sleep. I felt somebody grab me roughly, and push me. I woke up and looked up and I seen Natsume staring at me with his eyes full of rage.

I flinched when his face came closer to mine and I looked away. Natsume grabbed my face roughly and through gritted teeth said, "Are you fucking stupid?"

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and spit in his face. He was taken aback by my actions and let go of me to wipe his face. I whispered out roughly: "Are YOU fucking stupid?"

"Do not ever fucking put your hands on me again."

He looked at me and walked away. I fell onto my knees, buried my face in my hands and began to weep silently. I felt a presence watching me, I looked up and seen Ruka his eyes emotionless. I can just tell by his expression he was apologizing for Natsume. I stared at him helplessly. Ruka hid behind his bangs, and walked away. I broke down all over again.

After a few hours, I started leaving this school. I heard somebody screaming my name.

I turned around and seen Hotaru waving at me from an open window. I smiled, at her and she smiled back. I began to walking home, and I felt my phone vibrate. I picked it up and husky voice from the other line began mumbling words I couldn't understand. Without looking at the caller id I already knew who it was.

Natsume: "Where are you?"

Mikan: "School."

Natsume: "We need to talk."

Mikan: "If you are going to break up with me, I rather for you to just do it now."

Natsume: "Fine, we're over."

I dropped the phone, I couldn't believe it. He actually said it. He really said those words. I looked down and it said CALL ENDED. I stood there shaking, and then it finally hit me: We're over.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: IM NEEEEEW. So, blah! Idk, LOL. Don't be too hard on me? (= BUT, Review, criticize, ETC! Oh & note: *67 means to block your number. So, the person you are calling doesn't know it's you. And, on their phone it comes up as "Unavailable" or "Restricted." (=**

**Oh& I kind of rushed things…because, I don't want to make this a long story. 3-4shot at the MOST. Nothing more, Ima try though. But, if you guys would like me to make a "Part 2" I'll be glad too. I'm just not sure, how I'm going to end it yet…SUGGESTIONS? (=**

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What I've Always Wanted Chapter 2

I couldn't believe it. No, I didn't believe it. I couldn't. It was too much to handle. I can feel my body shaking, and I began sobbing in my hands. I picked up my phone and started running home.

I laid on my bed for 10minutes, but those minutes felt like hours. With wobbly hands, I grabbed my phone and I began dialing his number… (916)267-…. I stopped. I couldn't press the last 4 numbers. I erased the numbers and redialed *67 (916)267-…He picked up.

Natsume: "Hello?"

I couldn't say anything. I was stuck, and I started sobbing. I covered my mouth and kept the phone at my ear.

Natsume: "Hello?"

-Silence-

I waited. He waited. I looked at my phone which now said call ended. And right then, I felt it hit me- the pain. Even hearing his voice had hurt me. I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take not being his; I couldn't take us not being together. I made a mistake and I realized it. I just wish he'd understand. I started walking to his house and when I arrived to the front, I began hesitating. I didn't mean to hesitate. I thought I was ready. I was ready to get down on my knees and beg for him back. I was ready for that. I stood in front of his door and right when I was going to knock, the door had swung open; he stood there staring at me with the coldest eyes. I couldn't detect any emotions. I looked down, not meeting his eyes and before I knew it, he slammed the door in my face. My hands flew to my mouth and I felt the tears building at my eyes. I sucked it up, and took a deep breath before knocking on his door. And again, before I knocked, the door swung open.

Natsume: "What."

He wasn't asking, he was more of stating.

Mikan: "We should talk…about what happened?"

Natsume: "Haha, what is there to talk about? You cheated on me. Point blank. What else is there to point at? I gave you my all, and you were only giving me half? What do I look like to you?"

Every word that came out of his mouth stung me. It felt like Jin-Jin-sensei lightening Alice attacked me, but worse. I'd rather feel the physical pain, then this emotional pain. I stared at Natsume. I couldn't believe he even had the nerve to say that. I just couldn't believe it. What happened to my loving Natsume? The one that promised me he'd always understand me, and be there for me through anything. I couldn't take it anymore. I bursted.

Mikan: "WHAT? I DIDN'T. I MEAN. IT WASN'T LIKE THAT. YOU DIDN'T EVEN LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF. WHAT I DID. IT…wasn't supposed to end like that…it wasn't even supposed to start."

Natsume: "Tch. You talk like I care."

I looked up meeting his eyes and they were colder than ever. I began reaching out for him, I wanted to hug him, apologize, and tell him I love him. I was vulnerable…I felt so pathetic. And only Tsubasa-Senpai let out a helping hand. We didn't mean to kiss. We didn't mean for Natsume and Ruka to walk in on us kissing. I didn't mean to even kiss my Senpai.

Mikan: "Natsume. You don't understand. You are the only one I love."

A blush came across my cheeks. I never straight-forwardly told Natsume how I felt. I never told him I loved him, I let my actions speak for me. But this time, it was totally different. It wasn't and isn't the same anymore. We were different. My actions spoke for me and Tsubasa-senpai and I kissing, showed Natsume he meant nothing to me. But the thing is, he didn't understand that he meant the world to me.

Natsume: "Am I? I don't believe it. And I sure as hell don't care."

Mikan: "Natsume, I'm sorry. I never meant for it to happen. It just happened. Natsume…SHIT HAPPENS."

I started crying, I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't help it. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I wiped them apologizing to him, all at the same time. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I didn't want to feel this pain anymore.

Natsume: "Mikan.."

He never said my name.

Natsume: "Mikan...don't rush it."

I looked up with pain in my eyes; I couldn't believe what he was saying.

Natsume: "Don't rush it. Don't rush 'us.' As of now, I need alone time. I need to see how I feel about this situation..I don't want to rush into anything and regret it. It's not worth it. I don't want to go through this over again. Mikan, I can't trust you anymore. I'm sorry, but you need to go home. Would you like me to call a cab?"

I sucked in a deep breath and slowly let it out. I shook my head and walked away. He called out for me one time, and he apologized. I kept walking, I couldn't turn around. If I turned around, I don't know how I'd react. I don't know what I will do. I think I'll just break down. But, I'm not going to let myself go through this. Not again. This wasn't the first time he did this to me. He's leaving me again, but, this time…it's my fault.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hii! I haven't updated in a long while, I apologize! Enjoy! Leave Reviews!**

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Before, I knew it I was home and I couldn't help replaying what just happened in my head. I felt tears building at my eyes, I took a deep breath, and I sucked it up.

The next morning I woke up and my first thought was, "_I need to move on_."

**Chapter 3 – another chapter of my life**

I reached for the phone and I dialed Hotaru's number.

"Hello?"

"We're over…"

"It's okay; you guys will get back together," she said that so surely that even I believed her.

"No, we're over."

"That's what you said last time."

"He saw me…kissing _him_."

"….." Silence from the other end.

I started again, "Hotaru…I'm done."

"Did you try to talk to him? Did you ask for him back? Did you apologize?"

"I did everything," I took a deep breath; "I did everything I can."

Hotaru paused and the only thing that left her mouth was the two words that's always a lie, "Its' okay."

Weeks passed by, and we walked past each other as if we were strangers. I asked myself how can two people that spent two years of their life, together, walk past each other as if they were strangers; without even acknowledging the fact that they were _in love_. Weeks became months and as Summer came we didn't even acknowledged that fact the other existed. The last day of school came quicker than I anticipated. After school, I quickly said my goodbyes, and dispersed from the group. I didn't have to worry about running into Natsume, because one day he just stopped coming to school. As I was walking away a voice that was familiar yet unfamiliar screamed my name, I turned around quickly, recognizing the voice. He stared at me, and smiled. I smiled back.

Tsubasa walked quickly toward me, and I laughed, but this wasn't a happy laugh, this was a nervous laugh. Although, I haven't spoken to him in months, I still felt those butterflies. He hugged me with one hand, and I hugged him back. This familiar smell, this feeling, I took a deep breath and started a conversation, "What's up?"

Tsubasa: "How you been?"

Mikan: "Pretty good…"

Tsubasa: "Dinner?"

Mikan: "Sounds good, text me." I turned around, and smiled, "Same number."

I walked away, quickly.

Later that night Tsubasa came to pick me up. We ended up at his house, instead of restaurant. I cleared my throat, "Excuse me?"

Tsubasa had a huge smile on his face, "You'll see."

And, with that we began walking into his house. When I opened the door a candle light dinner was set up for two. My eyes widen, and I felt a clenching feeling in my gut. I ignored it. We sat down and he served dinner. We talked. He talked. I talked. He brought up the present. I brought up the future, but not once did we talk about the past. He took me home after that, kissed me on my cheek, and said, his goodbye. Every day after that night, he called me, after 2 weeks, every night we spent together. I was slowly falling for him, but I kept comparing Tsubasa to _him_. Every day, I would wonder about _him_, I wondered what he was doing, how he was doing, and does he think about me, too? One day, I couldn't take it anymore, so I texted him.

M: Hey

N: Hey you…

M: How you been?

N: Pretty good, what about you?

M: I've been okay.

After that, he didn't text me back.

As months went by, Tsubasa and I began to fade. I slowly stopped talking to him, and after 2weeks, we stopped caring about each other, altogether. I started to stay home, more. I realized I couldn't find a guy that lived up to my expectations. Why, because, I kept comparing them to NH. It hurt to even say his name, so I started using his initials whenever I referred to him.

I began to realize that NH and I don't plan on getting back together. I had to move on with my life. I had to let go, and say goodbye. Plus, I think he was talking to his ex, Sumire Shoda. I shook my head in disgust. I started to toss and turn in my bed, and I grabbed my cell phone. Without having to look at the dial pad, I felt around for the familiar buttons, and dialed Hotaru's number. By the second ring, she picked up.

H: "Wsup."

M: "I think Natsume is talking to his ex."

She replied quickly, almost hastily, "Which one?"

M: "Sumire..."

H: "Ha. As if they will last," she said this with uncertainty.

M: "Indeed."

We hung up soon after, and I began to doze into a deep a sleep.

_I slowly opened my eyes, and I felt a pair of firm arms wrapped around my waist. I turned over, and I seen his face. His eyes fluttered open, and that breathtaking smile, he leaned in and kissed my lips and whispered those 3 deadly words…"I lo-" _

I woke up with a sudden gasp, and screamed. I covered my face with my hands, and began sobbing. Even though, no tears fell, my eyes burned as if I been crying all night. I picked up my cell phone and I had a miss call from him. This was to surreal. I coughed, and called him back. He picked up, fast.


End file.
